Yep, that’s me. I had to run right out and get a blog so that I could talk about my experiences in trying to stop (again and again and again and again) drinking. I don’t know if anyone is reading these posts as I haven’t advertised the blog in any fashion (although I’ve gotten a *ton* of comments from bots and even some that were tuned into the recovery nature of this blog in an attempt to get me to approve the bot to post – more on that later…), and it’s been about eight months or so since I last posted. The good news? It’s been nine months (nine months seventeen days if you’re counting!) of sobriety. I have had two periods of extended sobriety in my life – the last one was nine months and the one before that was four years. Other than that? I’ve pretty much drank most days for the last thirty years. So I’m experiencing an anniversary of sorts at the moment – I’ve eclipsed one of my prior records of sobriety. I’ll be thrilled when I beat the next milestone, although it’s a day by day thing for me at the moment.
So… what have I been doing for the last nine months or so? For the first 90 days or so I attended an AA meeting every day. I have attended two different weekend retreats, a great Big Book Conference, and I’ve thought a lot about myself. Folks say that AA is simple – that you only have to do three things – stop drinking, go to meetings, and then change everything about yourself. Man – is that true or what?
After a few months the urge to drink has mostly passed – I still have moments when I can taste a cold one and start salivating when I think about a nice cold beer (like right now) – but, fortunately, those moments are becoming less frequent. There’s a phrase in “How it Works”, which is a sort of a preamble that we read before every meeting, that says “Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful.” Man, no kidding. It’s amazing how alcohol tries to bring you back into its clutch. After a few weeks of sobriety I awoke one morning with a killer hangover. My first thought was “damn, I fell off the wagon last night and tied one on.” I lay in bed for ten or fifteen minutes feeling sorry for myself and tried to remember what I had done the night before. It slowly dawned upon me that I hadn’t gone out, I hadn’t drank, there were no empties bottles laying around the bedroom. I realized that I hadn’t drank anything! It was my body trying to trick me into a hair of the dog moment!! Man. Talk about cunning, baffling, and powerful.
Meetings? The meetings have kept me sane. My first few months I went to a meeting every day. I haven’t kept up with that frequency and have made a pledge to myself that if I’m not doing family or work stuff I’m going to get to a meeting. I rarely miss a weekend meeting and the Monday night meeting. The rest of the week is kind of hit or miss. I gotta get better about that. So… the meetings have kept me sane. What’s that all about? If you’re never been to an AA meeting, you might think it’s just a bunch of old drunks getting together to tell stories of their sad, pathetic lives. That’s what I thought. I tried AA about ten years ago and attended a handful of meetings and was convinced that I wasn’t nearly as bad as all of those guys and that I could do it myself. I walked out the door and continued another ten years of drinking. Sure would be nice to get that time back. My friends at AA have walked the same path that I have. Some have lost more, some have lost less, all have been afflicted with alcoholism. We laugh together when somebody mentions that he was at a party or work event and somebody had half a glass of wine or only a few sips of a beer. It’s inconceivable to alcoholics that someone wouldn’t finish a drink (and have four more!). We silently reflect when a friend tells us of the pain and misery and loss that he’s experienced. We feel for our friend and know that we might have been moments away from the same. It’s common to hear somebody say “…yet” at AA. When we see a newcomer come in off the street and he’s lost his home and family and is living in a shelter, the newcomers amongst us might thing “thank God that didn’t happen to me” while the folks that have been around a while will append a “…yet” to the plea. The “yet” comes from the knowledge that we have been given a second (or third or fourth or more) chance and if we dare to drink again we pick up right where we left off and then it’s only a matter of time before we hit bottom.
And then there’s the change every bit about yourself. I’ve come to understand that the common denominator for everything that has happened in my life has been me. This is the hard part about AA. The introspection and the sincere desire to change who you are. I’ll talk more about that next time.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for helping me to not drink today.
dan