Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. Father Martin says it better than I can… http://www.youtube.com/user/fatherjoemartin#p/u/5/OjblEQfx6iI
Step 1 is an acknowledgment of one’s condition. Acknowledgment, I think is the key word. Most alcoholics know that they are alcoholics long before anyone tells them they are. I’ve known since I was 15 – and I’m 45 today. My father was an alcoholic and his father was an alcoholic. I’m not smart enough to know if alcoholism is a disease or a genetic thing or a predisposition to drink to excess or what. I just know that I can’t have just one drink – one is too many and ten is not enough. As I said, I’ve known since I was 15. Heck – I even admitted it to my pals in the bar – we all thought it was a hoot. Those that really knew me and loved me? As I said on the first post I made on this blog, they knew it too. It took me a few months of the fellowship before I became comfortable saying, “Hi, I’m Dan, and I’m an alcoholic”. I mean, really, it’s not like anybody grows up and has their sights set on becoming an alcoholic, right? Even though everyone that knew and loved me knew I was an alcoholic, I had such a hard time admitting to strangers that I was an alcoholic.
Over time, though, I came to realize that those individuals at Alcoholics Anonymous weren’t strangers – they were the best friends I had always searched for. As I learned more about alcoholism and how it had affected my new friends, I realized that we had traveled the same journey and there was something of a release in letting go of my fears, angers, resentments, and inadequacies.
Whoa! How did I go from admitting that I was an alcoholic to talking about my fears, angers, resentments, and inadequacies? Well, there’s that second part of the first step. One of the things that I have come to admire, sincerely admire, about Alcoholics Anonymous is the thoughtfulness that went into the program. Each step has multiple parts and you can digest them in bite size increments if you need to. There’s also been an awful lot of revisions made over the years – as a quick aside, I was at a Big Book Conference a few weeks ago and they read the original “How it works” – suffice to say, it’s quite a lot different than the version of today. There’s a lot of “you must” and “you shall” and the like. I’m guessing that tone wouldn’t go over well today.
Anyway, back to the fears, angers, and resentments. I can’t speak for all alcoholics, but I’ve personally always had a deep-seated fear that I wasn’t “good enough”. That fear manifested itself into anger and resentment at just about everything else in my life. I might be angry at the neighbor because he had a better job, more income, a nicer car, etc. All things that are relatively untrue. I’ve been blessed in my life – I’m a lot more fortunate than many. I don’t understand why God has continued to provide chance after chance and why my life has not come tumbling down upon my shoulders. All the same, though, I’m an angry man. I’ve learned to keep that inside for the most part – I would have lost my job and my wife long ago if I hadn’t learned to keep it somewhat hidden. Yet the anger peeks its head from time to time. I’m ashamed to say that in the past I would let it – I’d take out my resentments against those that couldn’t fight back or wouldn’t fight back. I’m not talking about physical violence, thankfully. I’m talking about being a kind person and making the decision to be kind or not. I’ve landed on the unkind side far too much in my life. Everything that ever went wrong in my life was the fault of someone else. This behavior, more than anything else, is what led me to believe that my life had become unmanageable. It took me a few months to admit that I was an alcoholic – it’s taken me the better part of a year to realize that I am the constant and that my behavior contributed to my actions and to my resentments.
It’s taxing to even think about who I was less than a year ago. I think I’m gonna go continue my work on Step 4 (a significant hurdle for me at the moment).
Thanks for reading, and thanks for helping me to not drink today.
dan